The “Fare Fighting Act” or “Rules of Engagement” 

• Establish guidelines to follow when emotions start to run high

• Get the kids input on the consequences - this improves buy-in from the kids and takes some pressure of the parent
• It’s most effective to set aside time to write these out when everyone feels calm and cooperative 
• Post them somewhere to help remind yourselves of your plan in heated moments

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Let Them Come to You

​• Kids can often become easily overwhelmed or overstimulated and typically haven’t learned how to cope

effectively or communicate yet. Therefore, it can be really helpful and important to allow them the time and

space to cool down, regulate, relax, and process before trying to inquire and/or address them.

• Tip: Let them know you’re available if and when they want to lean on you for support in whatever way feels

good and right for them.

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No One Likes to be Told How to Feel
• Avoid telling kids how they should feel
• Examples: “Don’t be sad,” “You’ll be fine,” “Don’t cry,” etc.
• This can cause kids to feel invalidated, misunderstood, etc. Validating their feelings lets them know it's okay

to feel that way, and encouraging them to tell you how they feel helps them:
– Develop a healthy acceptance of their emotions, and others, as part of the normal human experience

– The ability to understand their emotions and feel sympathy/empathy iii. Practice effective communication skills
– Feel comfortable and confident

– Maintain an open line of communication
– Tip: Check in with yourself and avoid responding based on how you would feel/experience the situation they’re telling you about or how you think they should feel.

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Grow an Adult, Not an Adult Child
• Ask for their Thoughts, Feelings, and Opinions
• When we only tell kids what to do and think, they have a hard time developing agency and autonomy.

When kids aren’t offered the opportunity to be respected participants in their own lives, they aren’t offered the opportunity to develop the skillset and confidence necessary to think for themselves, problem-solve, trust themselves, and stand up for themselves. As a result, they’ll often default to whatever they think will be most pleasing and least upsetting to others.

• Get their input on things like “house rules,” curfews, and consequences. This lets them know they are valued and respected. Additionally, when kids are offered a way to “buy-in” to the things that regulate their lives, they are more likely to act accordingly, respect the regulations, understand, and learn. This also helps avoid resentment.

• Get their input to help you understand where they were coming from. This, in turn, helps you address the real issue that typically hides under the behavior/misconduct. When we don’t ask, the potential real issue goes unattended and can lead tomorrow behavioral issues/misconduct because kids don’t know how to cope or process. Therefore, this allows them that opportunity.

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• Example Questions::
– I’m having a hard time understanding why you did _______. Can you help me understand?

– Can you explain to me what you might have been thinking or feeling at the time?
– I’m wondering what your thoughts are on_______?
– What do you think is an appropriate consequence? Why? How should we enforce it?

– Tip: Instead of assuming and demanding, start by asking questions to gain understanding, make a request, ask for feedback, and come to a compromise whenever possible

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Look Through Their Lens, Not Yours

• Remember, an adolescent’s worldview is much smaller and less informed. Therefore, everything feels bigger! (this is a principle adults often forget!)

• Try to remember what life was like when you were their age and how issues like friends, dating, and school made you feel

• Try not to personalize or assume - they're still learning! And they're learning from you!

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Play it Cool
• Avoid explosive emotional reactions
• This often insights fear in kids and prevents them from feeling comfortable sharing and being honest c. Create “fair fighting rules” to manage/prevent emotional reactions and develop more effective ways of handling disagreements and arguments (e.g., the “Take 5” rule where everyone takes some time to regulate and process separately, then once everyone feels ready, come back together to discuss. - Remember to get your kids input on these rules!)

• Try your best to be open, welcoming, and content to receive what they have to say (it’s difficult for kids to navigate between your desire for openness while simultaneously navigating big emotional reactions - it’s like touching a hot stove. You do it once and quickly learn not to do it again!)

• This doesn't mean you’re not allowed to have your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions - but consider your tact, tone, and timing, and weigh the risk v reward of addressing them with your kid.

• Tip: If you’re having trouble regulating your own emotions or are unable to avoid taking things personally, try talking through your thoughts and feeling with another adult before addressing them with your kid. Or, I personally recommend speaking to your own therapist to process those challenges and develop more effective skills that will greatly benefit your relationships and you yourself. (Remember, mental health care is synonymous with dental and physical health care - every single personal can benefit from it! Even if you don’t fully understand how it works!)​

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Be the Best Parent, not the Best Friend

• Having a close relationship with your child is amazing! However, kids still require parenting, and walking the fine line between friend and parent can be challenging!

• It’s the parent's job to set, model, and reinforce healthy boundaries. 

• Avoid oversharing - some stuff is better to vent about with other adults or your own therapist. Even though your kid may welcome the conversation, they typically don’t know how to cope with your feelings or their own. Be mindful of how the things you’re telling them may weigh on them. (This is a biggie when navigating divorce!! It’s the best policy to refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent as that puts the kids in a challenging situation they’re ill-equipped to manage.)

• Kids haven't been through and learned as much as we have yet. Remember above; this means everything becomes bigger! Often, kids aren’t able to separate and depersonalize things. Therefore, they may end up taking on your problems as their own and, consequently, deprioritizing their own thoughts and feelings because they don’t want to feel like a burden. ***Remember, you’re their role model for how to cope with emotions and life’s challenges. When you manage your struggles in a healthy way and set healthy boundaries, they’ll be more likely to learn and do the same!

• Avoid the guilt trip -This often doesn’t accomplish what you’d like it to and kids often internalize this and feel more burdensome

• Tip: Be there for them, but don’t expect or require them to be there for you.